Cows With Guns
by Viaka
Summary: Career Day at Bayville High, and guess who had the most interesting day?
1. Cows With Guns

I FELT LIKE WRITING A SONG FIC TO TAKE AWAY FROM THE SERIOUSNESS (is that a word?) OF MY CURRENT STORY, SO HERE GOES...REVIEWS ARE MORE THAN WELCOME!  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: If you think I own them, you're stupid. Here's your sign.  
  
  
  
  
  
It was Career Day at Bayville High, and the students were being sent off to spend a day on a job fitting the description they had given. Jean went to a physician's office, Kurt went to Clown School, Kitty visited the local IBM building, and Scott was placed in "How to Avoid Being a Tight A--" therapy. Rogue went for a day of military basic training; Tabitha went to work at a store in the mall, as did Pietro. Todd went to spend the day with an entomologist from the local university (bug-ologist), Lance skipped, and Freddy went to see how to raise cattle--hey, meat is meat, right?  
  
Freddy was being teased by the rest of the Brotherhood about the lameness of his "career", but he just shrugged his shoulders and went to find the rep from the Bits-o-Beef Ranch.  
  
  
  
That evening, the Brotherhood members sat in the living room of their house bragging about their days--ok, everyone was listening to Pietro brag about his day--when Freddy, who had been sitting quietly and eating a bag of Doritos while listening to them talk, broke in.  
  
"My day was the coolest of all," he said.  
  
"Yeah, right, yo. Whatever you say. Like goin to see a bunch of cows is cool," Todd retorted.  
  
"Fat and docile, big and dumb   
They look so stupid, they aren't much fun   
Cows aren't fun "  
  
"Yeah, I mean, come on, Freddy, it's like the lamest thing, not like my job at..." Pietro was off and talking, everyone else ignoring him.  
  
"I mean it. Well, maybe not the coolest, but definitely the weirdest," Freddy defended his statement.  
  
"Then tell us about it, yo," Todd said.  
  
"Well, ok, it all started when we got to the Bits-o-Beef Ranch, and the head guy gave me a tour and was telling me about the cows, when all this weird stuff started to happen. And beginning to sing, he told them what had happened...  
  
They eat to grow, grow to die  
Die to be et at the hamburger fry   
(Cows well done)  
  
"Yeah, we already know that, Freddy," whined Tabby.  
"Here's where it got weird," Freddy said  
  
Nobody thunk it, nobody knew   
No one imagined the great cow guru   
(Cows are one)  
He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal   
He loved Che Bovera, a revolutionary veal   
(Cow Se-Tung)  
He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred   
He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd   
(Cow doldrums)   
He mooed, "we must fight, escape or we'll die!"   
Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high   
(Bad cow pun)   
But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate   
Loaded into a truck, where he rode to his fate   
(Cows are bummed)  
  
The rest of the Brotherhood was by now looking at Freddy with mixed expressions--they thought he was crazy, but they wanted to hear the rest of the story.   
  
He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy   
No one suspected he was packing an Uzi  
(Cows with guns)  
  
They came with a needle to stick in his thigh   
He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye   
(Cows well hung)  
Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door   
Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor   
(Run cows run!)   
He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay   
"We are free roving bovines. We run free today!  
  
We will fight for bovine freedom   
And hold our large heads high!   
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die!"   
Cows with guns!   
  
By now, even Pietro was interested. Freddy's career day WAS rather...different.  
  
They crashed the gate in a great stampede   
Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed   
(Cows have fun)   
Sixty police cars were piled in a heap   
Covered in cow pies, covered up deep   
(Much cow dung)  
  
"Hey, I saw that on the news earlier, yo!" Todd exclaimed, getting excited.   
  
Black smoke rising, darkening the day   
Twelve burning McDonalds,   
Have it your way   
The president said, "Enough is enough   
These uppity cows, its time to get tough!"   
(Cow dung flung)   
The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief   
Later today, they would all be ground beef   
(Cows on buns)  
The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed   
They mooed their last moos, they chewed their last hay   
(Cows outgunned)  
  
Tabby looked panicky, as if she were about to be gunned down herself. Pietro was biting his nails nervously, Todd was completely ignoring the fly that had landed on his nose, and Lance had hung up on Kitty to hear the rest of Freddy's story.  
  
The order was given to turn cows to Whoppers   
Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers   
But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers   
Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers. . .   
  
We will fight for bovine freedom   
  
And hold our large heads high!   
  
We will run free with the Buffalo, or die!"   
  
Cows with guns!  
  
  
The group let out a collective sigh of relief, and Freddy smiled and went back to munching his Doritos. The others looked at each other in slight wonder at the bizarre day Freddy had had...maybe raising cows wasn't quite as boring as they had thought. 


	2. More Cows!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
MORE COWS!!!!  
  
"Let me get this straight--a bunch of cows go on a rampage, almost get made into burgers, and then get rescued by, like, a bunch of chickens?" Kitty looked at Kurt as if he had grown a second head.  
  
  
  
"Zat's right, Keety. But some really veird stuff happened right after zat." Kurt looked earnestly at Kitty, trying to convince her that yes, the cows really had staged an uprising.  
  
"Right, Kurt. I'm not stupid, you know." Kitty began to walk away.  
  
"Vait, Keety, let me tell you, ok?" Kurt had such a pathetic look on his face that, despite her better judgment, Kitty gave in.  
  
"All right. Go ahead."  
  
"Well, it all started right after ze chickens saved ze cows...."  
  
FLASHBACK  
  
Four or five of the larger cows in the herd, including the leader, had formed a line after thanking the chickens. One of the cows hummed into a pitch pipe he had taken out of some hidden pocket. Then, the cows began to sing.  
  
Cows, we're remarkable cows.  
  
And wherever we go, it's a fabulous show  
  
Oh you know we are cows.  
  
That's right we're cows  
  
Such remarkable cows  
  
We can sing very low, we can dance in a row  
  
We're so lovely and slow-oh-oh  
  
Yes you know we are cows.  
  
And if you thought that all we could do was go moo  
  
then you ought to come and see what we do  
  
For we are cows  
  
Such remarkable cows  
  
And wherever we go it's a fabulous show  
  
Oh you know we are cows, cows, cows, cows  
  
A turn of the head and a swish of the tail  
  
and a tippity tap of the tows  
  
What a glorious sight in black and white  
  
and a touch of pink at the nose!  
  
Here we go again:  
  
Cows. We're remarkable cows  
  
We can sing very low, we can dance in a row  
  
We're so lovely and slow-oh-oh  
  
Oh you know we are cows.  
  
If you thought that all we could do was go moo  
  
then you ought to know that before us  
  
there's not been a chorus  
  
line so fine!  
  
Cause we are cows  
  
We're remarkable cows.  
  
And wherever we go, it's quite a show  
  
Oh you know we are cows!  
  
In a row, we are cows!  
  
We're incredible cows!  
  
Unforgettable cows!  
  
Pay attention, we're cows!  
  
DID WE MENTION WE'RE COWS?  
  
Now our number is through  
  
Mooby dooby moo moo  
  
END FLASHBACK  
  
Kitty looked at Kurt askance. "Oh, please. That's the biggest lie I've ever heard! You--" Kitty's tirade against lying was cut off by Kurt turning on the evening news.  
  
"After the amazing revolt of the cows from a local farm and their salvation by a flock of chickens, some of the cows were seen performing a song, apparently about their being 'remarkable cows.' We're live on the scene with--" Kurt turned off the TV and looked at Kitty.  
  
"Now do you believe me?" he asked.  
  
She just stared back. 


End file.
